Impossible Dream

On this very long day in LA...that is about to stretch into a very long night on a Red Eye to get back to Little Rock for class tomorrow I am hell bent on getting a nap.

And while my mind is too tired to write, my heart is too full to sleep without sharing. So...while it's a bit old...I thought I 'd share this note I wrote at a similar (albeit smaller moment) in LA several years ago.

"An Anniversary of Sorts..." (Feb 6, 2006)

If you're getting this e-mail it's because you've been a wonderful mentor to me or have set an example that inspired me....and I want you to know what a difference it's made...especially in this last crazy year.

I wander down memory lane a bit in the middle of this...but I do so to hit home on a few things...so print this out and pull it out sometime when you can sit back with a cup of hot chocolate and soak this in for the warm fuzzy it's intended to be.

I love you all VERY MUCH!

Christine

Feb 6 TO DO List:

2005:

10:00 Drive 96 Nissan Pathfinder and overloaded Uhaul Trailer across Los Angeles county line.

10:15-3:30 Singlehandedly move all worldly possessions from a Uhaul trailer into a cramped storage space.

4:00 Start looking for a room to rent in LA.

2006:

10:15 Callback audition for playing a sportscaster for National Chik-Fil-A Commercial. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWIoYSurSrw)

11:30 Universal Studios Back Lot: Audition for Reporter Role in "Evan Almighty"( A modern day Noah's Ark in which Noah is a congressman and GOD is MORGAN FREEMAN!)

4:45 Warner Brothers Back Lot: Audition for guest-starring role in a Cold Case epidode playing a women's tennis coach in the 1970's with "a Billie-Jean quality."

= )

The VAST MAJORITY of actors who come to LA will NEVER have a day like this. You cannot possibly imagine how much work goes into getting an agent that can get you into auditions like this!

One of my most powerful memories and a defining moment in my life was a high school Drama Club trip to Hollywood. I was absolutely overwhelmed by the bus tour of the Universal Studios Back Lot. I never even went on any other rides or saw any shows...I just kept taking the tour over and over again because I was so fascinated by the work that went into making the stories I loved come to life. Telling stories that inspire others is the one thing I have been passionate about my entire life. It's the one thing I have ALWAYS ALWAYS wanted to be a part of...in any capacity.

When Dianne and Wally Greenaway took me into their home for 2 years they were so supportive of this passion. I never forgot the one day while living there that everything on my To Do list involved acting...for a film, an audition and a paid work in a theatre production all in one day. It was a busy, hectic stressful day but still recall that to be one of the most rewarding "work days" in my entire life.

As much as I loved the idea of working in the film industry then, the challenge of survival was a more pressing need for so many years. Getting into news was a great break that I thought would take me in the general direction of the film/TV industry. I didn't expect or even want to succeed as a broadcaster....it just seemed like a good way to get practice in front of the camera...not a ticket to move all over the US!

Very few people who started out like I did will ever get the opportunities that I have had, in fact, very few people from ANY walk of life will ever be a fortunate as I have been. PERIOD! So I'm not complaining when I say this....but when you've spent most of your life just wanting to feel like you have a home to go to and a bed to sleep in....it's pretty hard to walk away from all the appearances of success to follow your crazy dream.

How that dream has changed over the years of struggling to get here! In high school I wanted to be here because of what I thought I would GET from the experience.

Nearly 15 years later I finally found the courage to come here, just hoping to get by, perhaps working on a set as a crew person. I did not come expecting to GET anything. Life's experiences and so many wonderful mentors (many of you) have shown me that I have so much to GIVE...in a way that is uniquely my own...and that it is tremendously rewarding to do so. I have discovered over the years that there is nothing I am more passionate about...not even being in front of the camera.

My observation in a year here is that most people come to Hollywood because they desperately want to GET something. It's so ironic, because good acting isn't about getting and isn't about the actor...it's about giving and honesty. Even if I'd had the resources to come here out of high school I know I would have failed miserably while desperately trying to GET something that made me feel valued, respected and worthwhile as a human being.

Instead, 15 years later.....I simply couldn't stand go to work another day in a situation where I couldn't share the knowledge and perspective on life that so many of you shared with me....especially in light of the fact that the appearance I am expected to have on camera flies in the face of the values I've learned from so many of you. My own fear for survival and a roof over my head was superceeded for the first time by the driving NEED to give back what so many of you have given to me and to others.

THAT difference....knowing what I have to give that is unique to me...is THE one thing that has set me apart out here and has made this whirlwind of a year such an astounding success.

As exhausting and scary as this year has been, and as much as I've worried about my own sanity on many days....Just stepping on to that Universal Studios lot for the first time since high school (this time with my own security pass) was more reward than I ever needed or expected from moving out here.

I am, however, thoroughly enjoying the irony of succeeding in this spectacularly superficial career by being everything Hollywood isn't. = )

Hollywood is a fickle place and for a million different reasons I may never make another dime in front of the camera. But, for all the reasons above as well as the personal growth and discovery that comes from taking a leap like this....it has all been overwhelmingly worth it.

Thanks for sharing this journey with me, sharing my dreams, sharing your perspectives, believing in me and inspiring me.

Let the adventure continue!

Love,

Christine

This is your brain. This is your brain on estrogen...in science.

Utter Isolation. Gasping asphyxiation in a world void of communication. Like being underwater, but without the silent beauty, and needing desperately to go up for air.

DAMN the angry feminists of the 70's who went on to marry and never bothered to pass back the notes from that journey to my generation. What happened to the religious fervor in which they burned the bras that we now NEED to get on with things?!

We are not men with boobs. We ARE a unique and entirely different force of nature.

"we can't solve the problems of today with the same thinking that created them" - Albert Einstein.

(I'm sorry I don't have quotes from women scientists to underscore this..I'm sure they are out there but apparently no one thought they were worth writing down.)

Until we start approaching this idea of women in the world of science as an entirely different entity and ASSET...the suffocation, the isolation, the final desperate climb out for air...the attrition of female PhD.s..done with it all, suffocated to death by by their mid-30's will continue.

And the world at large..the VOTER's, students, everyone outside the scientific community will face crisis after crisis...climate change, sea level rise, forces of nature...all as an unapproachable, unmanageable, incomprehensible mystery...something to hand over to the men to decide for us...because no one with an innate passion for the art of communication, and a sense of nature and an understanding of nurture is valued as a part of the equation.

"Marie Curie is, of all celebrated beings, the only one whom fame has not corrupted."
- Albert Einstein

Was it a majority of female researchers at Harvard that first chose the completely misguided initial parameters to define scientific aptitude that then led to the conclusion that women are inferior at science because the ability to crunch numbers is all that matters? I'm guessing NO.

GASP! Air please. What a profoundly painful death of the soul.

Reference: The Female Brain by: Louann Brizendine. M.D.

"imagination is more important than knowledge" - Albert Einstein

Remembering

September 11, 2001.

I was in Boston, working for NBC. I remember forecasting that flawless blue September sky the weekend before.

Then, suddenly, the world stopped and everyone in our newsroom began to race frantically in a completely different direction. We didn't do any weather on-air for days. I felt so powerless to make any difference.

Writers, producers, reporters...everyone worked frantically at the biggest story of their lives...even as they faced the reality that their own lives may well be forever changed.

There was nothing I could do of any use at work without mostly being in the way. I thought for a moment...I have these Ski Patrol rescue skills...it's a 4 hour drive. Should I go? But I knew in an instant there would be far more folks hoping to help than could possibly be saved.

So I watched with the rest of the nation... seeing the pictures and hearing the words of my colleagues as they shared the stories and the horrors we all wanted so desperately to understand. I was glued to the set as so many were... for hours and hours and then days on end. When we did start back with some weather updates...the words and stories were piped into my earpiece for hours on end for weeks to come. I was literally plugged in to something I could do nothing about other than wonder and regret.

I am so thankful for the course my life has taken since then. One of my new dear friends in the USAF was working with Colin Powell in Peru at the time the towers were hit. Unlike every single one of us in America...while we were on the ground...She was in the air. Alone in American Airspace on the darkest of days. I can only imagine. What an extraordinary honor to be in a position to make a difference in the darkest of hours.

I am home in Minnesota for the briefest time as I write this. My heart aches when I think of driving out tomorrow morning for 5 more months of training away from home. But when I compare that pain to the grief and sorrow where the worst happens and you are powerless to make a difference in that moment...it's makes it a little easier to put that key in the ignition and once again leave home. And I am SO very thankful for this restful time surrounded by lakes and trees and sky and loved ones to savor all the things I love about my home...may this forever be the Land of the Brave and Free.

MISERY. NO COMPANY.

This is the toughest, most unpleasant, most prolonged degrading experience I think I've ever been through. Which is saying a lot if you look at the challenges I've overcome in my life. I think the biggest killer here is knowing that what is around the corner is more months of the same. It's not the studies...those are awesome. It's this teen dorm life that conjures up the images, sounds, activities and exchanges of the incarcerated in Juvenile Hall and the outsider nature of being me, at my age, at their mercy in this mix.

I think the one triumph I see here while immersed in this generation of kids whose mothers insisted they got soccer trophies even when they sucked at it or just didn't even try...is this:

As hard as it is to be immersed and inextricably embroiled in all the drama, angst and disrespect that revolves these raucous coming-of-age experiences...one thing stands out. Our Air Force is able and willing to take some of these kids...teetering on the brink and give them discipline and direction and in many cases...eventually a new lease on life. Something so few in our American Culture are willing to do.

And no wonder...cause Oh Good Lord it's hard to watch and have the patience to let them find their own way! So much easier to short cut their journey and spare our own personal discomfort so we don't have to watch them struggle. It think It's so wrong and so selfish to do that though.

Tough love: It's something our culture has less and less tolerance for...and in this concentrated case study/experience I am SO much more aware, awed and disturbed by the ramifications for our future. How much is our inability to help those around us say no, face realities and do the hard work of becoming who you TRULY are rather than what media image you've decided you think would look best on you...how much is it costing us in compromising or pushing back those who ARE willing and able to do the hard work?

The hard part? Wading thru and reliving the struggle, while fighting on my own as a bit of an outlier here at my age in a system designed for the young and unaware... to succeed as well.

Tougher still: I know what is around the corner and it is tough, psychologically isolating, grueling and I think the hardest part of all...for me...the thing that killed me about LA...There is zero opportunity to spend time alone or with nature to truly rest and reflect in a place or space that feeds the soul. There are no new vistas, no adventures, no surprises, no sense of making a difference that makes the struggle worthwhile. (though I do find occasional opportunites to inspire and mentor a few)

A long road ahead. No hope of going home to recharge. I have to laugh at the title I chose for this blog...while I am sure I am gaining insights that will help in polishing this film project I've worked on for so long...all I can see right now is a narrowing dark tunnel that stretches on for months. Survival is my only focus. I'd hate to come this far and fail. But at the same time I don't want a soccer trophy I didn't earn. Never mind the stupid trophy...Screw up on this stuff and it's american lives and 50 million dollar airplanes at stake.

Can I do it? This time...beyond my best efforts...I know more than ever in my life that It's not entirely up to me. If you're not good at soccer, you're just not. Reminds me of all the kids I've spoken to in school talks over the years who are betting it all on being a sports star. Sometimes...you just aren't and accepting that and appreciating what you ARE is not giving up. It's being thankful for and knowing who you really are.

What I am a STAR at is putting one foot in front of the other like I've done some many times before...but this time there is no view, no solitude like you find in the mountains, no exhilaration, no crisp bracing winds, nothing but a sense of survival and fighting fate and my own weaknesses.

I am glad to know my strengths as well as I do so that at least I know I am doing my best in a difficult situation. But it's hard not to want that "basketball scholarship" that rides on more than hard work...there are only a few and they go to those with innate talent. In this case not just the academic talent...but the talent to endure...and in this case I think it's a type of mental endurance that may a bit easier for young unexamined lives. So all I can do is go one step, one hour, sometimes even one minute at a time. And hope. And Dream. And also embrace whatever direction may be. That's so life anyway...it's just much more obvious here.

So there you go...compulsive optimist writes depressing blog. But for whatever reason it feels right to do so now...this is part of the journey. For those of you who've said you've enjoyed the "vicarious" aspects of this. I think it's only fair to share this part too....so that at least my loss can be a net gain for you.

Savor life as you have it right now! I promise you I am doing it here too in the searing, dusty, sweaty Texas heat. There is awe and wonder in these extremes. Savor Sunsets, the first hints of fall in the breeze on your face, 10,000 lakes in every season....and most of all....FREEDOM. SOLITUDE. SANITY. Oh lord I MISS IT!

Best,

Christine

Survive Evade Resist Escape

SERE - aka Survival School. OK that's still ahead but I feel like I've already been learning to put those psychological principles to work on a long term basis...albeit...less intense format ..for nearly 3 months. So much I've learned, observed, disovered... so much to say!

I'd planned on an entry as soon as basic training was done but wow the intensity and total deprivation from electronic connectedness to the world just never stops! It's good practice for what life could be like during deployments but hard to take when you know it's not otherwise necessary.

I've kept notes. I intend to post them. But right now a couple of my air crew fundamentals buddies are here on the patio to join in for a beer.

And now, more than ever...after all that I've seen, experienced and learned....NOW matters so much.

More soon. I promise.

America. This one's for you...

Adventures.
I've had SO many of them.
Pondered Everest?
You Betcha.
Started to get uncomfortable with the idea.

Why?
Too much gratuitous death factor?
Heck no!

Climbing past people with so very little to bag a summit and score some nice resume padding and a swanky living on the motivational speaker circuit?

Now on the way down climbers recycle 02 canisters, give money, buy stuff in community, whatever. But the actual DOING...the human contact...the expenditure of TIME....the "messiness" of life and human contact with people different than you? How much time is spent?

The real-time agony of observing the debilitating cycle of poverty firsthand...and sticking there year after debilitating year of setbacks...living thru it so you can no longer so easily judge what you realize would send any sane person into inescapable depressed apathy, severe prolonged stress inducing decreased mental function (that's a scientific fact...and one that is reversible) or even just agonizing, debilitating, devastating sorrow.

There is only one solution I have found. And I DO know a thing or two about this, cuz I've lived it many times in my life.

HUMAN CONTACT.

No program, No policy, No idea, No Organization can do what just you giving a crap about one other human being on this earth can do. Sure those things can make a place for the magic to happen...but the magic doesn't happen without you.

How do you find the passion for helping others get up on a level playing field? Can take the time out of your life and your fast track to make sure you aren't leaving everyone else behind?

This idea that you don't give a man a fish for a day so you don't have to be uncomfortable see him be hungry. No matter what you do...being uncomfortable leads to greater joy in the long run.

This OTHER MESSIER idea...You give moments of your life to teach others things you grew up accepting as fact. A life they can't even imagine having never been exposed to it. That disconnect of not knowing. Of unwittingly sabotaging yourself cause you didn't know that in a nice restaurant the butter pats go in a dish. (not on the table like was ok at Denny's).

Do you have the courage to admit: You succeeded not because you were better but because you knew the rules and grew up in such a way that you never even had to learn them?

If you believe that than it means you understand one true totally American thing.

All men are created equal.

(yeah women too...but WOW are we different..and might I add not all that driven to get credit...so sure we get left out in the wording sometimes. But we are there...we are always there. Silently, gently, confidently leading while letting those who do need credit have that too. I'm cool with that.)

Just let me make a difference.


America. It's not for everyone.

But it IS for me.

It's so American to trample the world to find ourselves first (I would know!). Scratching, clawing, trampling to find that one gift, talent, passion that overcomes all our weaknesses we work so hard to hide. The highest population of ADD in the world. Pretty much everyone in the gene pool who thought...I can do better...I'm outta here! With extremes come huge drawbacks...and incredible triumphs.

And in the end when we find that "it factor" uniquely our own......"It" gives us the courage and joy to be EQUAL AND to give back in extraordinary ways. To honor the value in others as we find confidence in our own. No need to compete. A NEW kind of doing. Giving your talents.

Sure it's the other way around from starting within.

In America. We find ourselves by DOING rather than just BEING. This provides Ample opportunities to get off track and in true All American Style...we always go WAY BIG. Seeking stuff and riches to create the illusion of having found what it is that makes us EQUALLY DIFFERENTLY VALUABLE

But I say! Bring on the messy, jostling, journey. Bring on the bruises. Don't welcome them...but be patient with the struggle. No wonder we love FOOTBALL!

This great Experiement we call Democracy! A nation that has achieved such extraordinary things and fallen flat on it's face at times with equally spectacular flair.

Isn't that the richness of life lived to the fullest? Tolerance and patience as those around you struggle to find their way. Empathy for the struggle. Passion to be sure the struggle isn't face alone.

Great things are never accomplished without great difficulty! No doubt we face great difficulties...unique to this nation alone.

What's next for us?

Are we "Finding ourselves" as a nation?

Are we unearthing:

A passion for seeing the good in others and by loving that about them, in spite of whatever they are getting wrong... help them see that in themselves?

A competitive driven passion for tapping the value of very human being in our uniquely American way to do extraordinary things TOGETHER. A willingness to stretch the talent pool beyond the borders of privelege (yes this involves talking to your Denny's waitress as though she were every bit as worthy of greatness as you).

Look at where civilization started and grew..and how..like a sieve...we are by default the driven, striving, lost....for a time. But when we come out on the other side.

We DO AMAZING Things.

Not all of them. Not all of the time.

But man when we do we are AMAZING!

And our Air Force? The greatest in the world. Literally.

Where I will go in the years ahead is up to you, The American People! And I'm glad I have no say in where that will be. I am happy in DOING, but agonize at KNOWING where to spend my energy. ( I still think "hey I could do that" I see the "help Wanted" sign at Taco Bell.)

I have struggled mightily With where to give most and best with my talent, time, and passion.

What I do know:

The Minnesota Air National Guard was there to set up temporary radar sites after Hurricane Katrina took them down across the gulf. (you can't really fly planes into post hurricane type weather to help people with no radar!)

The Minnesota Air National Guardsmen tell me how thankful the Iraqi secruity forces they have helped train in the middle east have been for the skills they have learned that protect their wives and children from unimaginable violence.

Bosnia, Sarajevo, ...I know the list is longer...I have just begun to discover what really goes on beyond the media friendly sound bites that viewers will listen to before they reach for the remote.

And oh yeah...I'll be working on a plane I adore that can travel to the most inhospitable places on the planet (aka my vacation dream list). ; )

Everest. It's not going anywhere.

Humanity. What we give, What YOU give, Who you PERSONALLY teach to fish, Who you observe and speak to DAILY. (not just at black tie fundraisers). Who that is SO DIFFERENT from you do you treat as being of equal value just as they are? Black, white, rich, poor, gay, straight, male, female.

Humanity hangs in the balance. Death defying...literally...it all depends on what YOU do. Right outside your front door. Or wherever you most want to be there. Go there Give and don't come complaining to me if you find your most extraordinary unique talents in the process. ; )

I have a theory that in Heaven or whatever is next that there is no need for money. Everybody knows their gifts and talents. You give what you love to give but you don't do it to get. And everyone with all their differences does the same things.

And when ever single one of us does that is all balances out perfectly. (so don't be the one person screwing it up!) ; )

I swear it's the key to happily ever after.

BUT until you know the what and where you want...go ahead..cut ahead of me in traffic, take 11 items in the 10 item line, go ahead! Really. I don't mind! I can wait to see you get there too!

If's there's one favor I could ask in exchange for my service it's this:

....smile, be kind, find the "talent" in others and help them see it too.

Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this journey with me so I can share my talents for communication and joy with you!

Of the many many epic adventures I have had in my life...this is already the best one. Because THIS ONE is FOR YOU!

I'll be in touch again after my Air Force Graduation Day....the day BEFORE our INDEPENDENCE DAY!

Take care!

Christine

Downsizing

Living with less. Buying less. Eating less. Doing less. The concept of Less has been portrayed as almost UnAmerican until recently...but I am convinced that less really IS more.

Making the correction is a BUMMER.

Yes, the rumor mill has one itty bitty factoid right this time around, I was a part of the layoffs at Fox this week. (enough already with the e-mails/phone calls/facebook chats etc. I'm flying to Texas in 5 days and I'm FINE!)

No, this had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with my choice to serve with the Guard. Really not...everybody's cool. Nuff said, move on, nothing to see here. Trust me if there were an injustice relative to the many service members who have been quietly pushed aside by other employers who didn't want the inconvenience of someone protecting their freedoms...you know I'd holler foul on their behalf. This just isn't the deal in this case.

Times are tough. Here's what's breaking my heart.

First: for my boss - a great guy with a shared passion for fun, the outdoors, this community, news, weather, questionably frozen lake ice to skate on, excessive consumption of Diet Mt. Dew and encyclopedic knowledge of Ren and Stimpy phrases. Unable to print money, He had to deliver this sad news to so many good people this week.

Second: For ALL of my colleagues at Fox, many who have made me laugh, helped me learn and encouraged my professional growth not only in weather but also as a reporter in one of the most respected news markets in the country. For those who are now looking for jobs where there are none, and, yes, for those still at work whose full plates just got fuller and times in TV are likely to only get tougher.

But me? I'm beyond fine. So much so I almost feel guilty.

What a different world it was for me a year ago (back when we had something resembling an economy) I wrestled mightily with taking time away to train with the Guard. It's a huge commitment and an epic paycut for a 30-something professional(I know wah, but still!!). I wondered how it would affect my career in the years ahead. I worried if it'd be too much. And most of all, I worried that if my new career took me in the direction of full time service I might be unhappy living on less. Don't we all?

For most of my life I've made all my decisions based soley on logic. It wasn't until I was agonizing over unexpected success in LA and my longing to return MN that I had a counselor ask me: "Well, how do you feel"

Excuuuse me? Feeling? Does not compute!!! Science geek OVERLOAD! Oh I was so annoyed especially when I eventually realized she was right.

Still tampering with this equation but here's what I've got so far:

Logic = Feeling x Authenticity x Faith (to the nth power)
..............................Facts

Computational geekamafreak challenge:
How do you solve an equation with two unknown variables?

Unknown quantity 1: Faith (how much you got really? and is it for the right reasons?) Word on the street is a mustard seed quantity will do...but be advised that any amount can totally screw up the logic side of the equation
Unknown Quantity 2: Feeling. "It doesn't matter what I feel. This is what's available. These are the logical choices" Had I known there were other feeling based options earlier in life, I think it's quite likely I'd have had a shot at the Guthrie stage. Instead I went into Science 'cause it just wasn't logical to think I'd make a living chasing my dreams in TV, Theater and Film (bomb proof logic eh?)

Annoying Solution: Trial and Error

Last year I acted for only the second time ever on those dreadful unknowns: Faith and Feeling
Only now is the LOGIC is abundantly clear.

Whew....first time I've ever got this one right! I guess you CAN teach an old weather girl new tricks! ; )

Perhaps the greatest luxury in life isn't a thing. Perhaps it's a lifestyle. Not any one lifestyle in particular...not anyone else's...just the one that is just right for you, even if you have to invent it for yourself. I have some idea how hard that can be to find thru all the ground clutter. (sorry dorky weather radar nerd terminology).

I can't even begin to imagine sorting thru any of this with kids or a family. Huge respect to all there because my choices pale in comparision. But since my choices have given me much more time alone to contemplate the journey...I'll keep rollin' here.

It's been a long year of personal lifestyle and dream downsizing to prepare for this huge transition. Used parts for my used car. Changing my own oil. Curbing the Caribou Coffee obsession. Not so many Netflix. No ordering in. No swanky gym membership. No more acting classes at the Guthrie, No vocal coaching, No new headshots, auditions, etc. ..none 'o that. Renting out the swanky condo with a view downtown. Getting a humble apartment close to work, And now even a roommate (at my age!)

Wicked painful at the time!

Wow, the relief I feel in having made choices that were true to my heart back then even though they looked totally uncool at the time.

So what's next ?

I am so thankful to be embarking on this journey that will enable me to give something in return for the freedoms I have enjoyed. When so many in our country are now struggling just to get by, I am extremely thankful to have some time to step away as television reinvents itself in incredibly challenging times.

If things go perfectly I'll be shooting this darn movie I've been working so hard on when I return home early next year (I know, I know, don't hold your breath).

And if not, who knows... If I end up smiling at you from the other side of the counter at Caribou Coffee someday...that's cool too. ; )

(dibs on the leather chair by Ottoman bear for my lunch break or else!)